i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
how does that bad decision feel?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
