areolas are like halos for boobs.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
