Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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