this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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