Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
