thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
