I cannot find my penis.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
