I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
