What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
