So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
