my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I would fuck him just for his dog
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
