I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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