I have demons in me.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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