just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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