Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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