I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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