First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
