i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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