well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
