I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
