There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
