i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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