I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
