We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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