I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
