I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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