I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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