I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
