I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
