Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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