my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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