I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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