I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
