you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the condom got lost in my hair
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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