I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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