His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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