I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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