im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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