We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
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