i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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