She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry about my life...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
