I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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