Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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