sorry about calling you the devil all night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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