One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
