My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize