it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
