I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
