I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
two words: eviction party
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
