Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
