I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Randomize
