Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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