Porn is love you can see.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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