Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
