for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
