btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We got so high we made milksteak
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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