How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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