I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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