wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
