could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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