no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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