I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
